Definition of Insanity

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

This quote is used often when referring to doing crazy, and seemingly ridiculous things when you know what will happen. Especially when the expected outcome is not good. To me, though, I have a different view of the definition of insanity.

"Insanity isn't when you do something over again, hoping for a different outcome. It's when you do it again and know it'll probably have the same outcome."

Why do I think this? Well here's my example. Love, that endless, usually difficult and unattainable thing that most people spend their whole lives dealing with.

For me, love isn't very kind. I've been single for almost nine months now, after being in a serious relationship for two and a half years. It was a very intense and destructive breakup, leaving me a bitter, angry and very moody person. Even now it's hard to say his name without feeling like someone is slowly turning a knife in my heart.

Still, a tiny part of me is hopeful I'll find love again. I'm not blind to the fact that I'll probably face a lot more heartache in the process, but the end goal of some true form of happiness with a person who values me, even with my million quirks, is worth it. At least in my mind it is.

So, I'm going to continue on living with my insanity and enjoy it!

Dealing with Death

This past weekend a close friend of our passed away. He was only eighteen. That's just mind numbing to me. He was only eighteen. Eighteen. I'm nineteen and I have never lost someone very close to me, especially not that close to my age. It's a shock.

I now have death on my mind. Not in a morbid way, it's just that I can't stop thinking about it. My mom and I have been going back and forth this summer about death, most about how to handle and prepare for it. This just was an awakening for us. 

I've never been good at dealing with death. I've only been to three funerals in my life. My grandmother's, my baby cousin's and my best friend's great grandmother's. Talking, even thinking about death upsets me deeply. I just don't have the ability to deal with it, but I don't want to be unprepared for it either. 

How do you prepare for death? How do you accept that people die? How do you deal with losing someone close to you?

These questions have always plagued me, and they still do. It'll probably take me a while to find the answers, or at least comfort in the fact that there isn't one set way or answer to death.

I'll probably never be okay with death, but I do find a tiny, tiny bit of comfort in the fact that maybe somewhere up above there are guardian angels who are looking down and protecting us. 

That's the bright side view on death. 

I leave you, dear readers with this quote from one of my favorite authors. 

“That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again, that shocking.” 

― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

Gilmore Girls Taught Me To Dream

Today is the 4th of July, which means Happy Independence Day, America!

I've spent my holiday lying around the house, watching tv and snacking on Chex Mix. I might even finally clean my bookshelves! *cue the gasps*

For now, though, I'm content to lay on the couch watching The Gilmore Girls, laughing at how similar Rory and Lorelei are to my mom and I. When I was younger my mom always joked that we were just like the Gilmore Girls. Our relationship was similar to theirs and still is. 

When I started watching The Gilmore Girls I was in 7th grade, I think. My life and ideas about life have changed a great deal since then, still my love for this show has not changed. It still never fails to make me laugh, make me cry, make me daydream and wish for all the magic it makes me believe in. I want to be Rory, who is smart and driven. I also want the crazy and wild side of Lorelei. 

The reason I love the show so much is because no matter what episode you watch you still can understand and feel something. You want Rory to step out of her shell a little, for Lorelei to do something crazy and have her usual banter with Luke. You want a Friday night family dinner with Lorelei's parents and the Gilmore girls, filled with sarcasm, banter and jabs that have you rolling on the floor. There's always that little life lesson moment that leaves you reflecting and thinking. The best part is the bond between Rory and Lorelei. 

I may never be able to fully explain my love for this show, but if you've never seen it you need to. Then you'll understand why I'm so in love with it. 

Again, Happy Indepence Day!