Identity Crisis

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."~William Shakespeare

This quote really makes you wonder how names truly affect a person. Can you imagine a man named Archibald Alexander Leach named the second Greatest Actor of All Time? Well he was, but people know him better as Cary Grant, who was on movie screens for almost 30 years. What about a girl named Frances Ethel Gumm? Can you imagine her as a young girl who wears ruby red slippers and clicks her heels three times while she says "There's no place like home?". Well she was, but we know her as Judy Garland, who played a little girl named Dorothy, and who had an amazing singing voice.

Names really can make a person, which is why most people in Hollywood change their name in some form. Even Miley Cyrus changed her name. She was born Destiny Hope Cyrus, but in 2008 she changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus. Since the world knew her as Miley it wasn't really much of a change, just more of a formality. But either way it is a common practice to change or name, or to go by a name different than your birth name.

Many of us go by middle names, our last names, or nicknames. That's what this post is about really, going by a different name and how it can affect you.

I was born Elaine Savannah Beller-Obi. 23 letters, a hyphen, and I constantly have to spell my last name whether I go by Obi or Beller-Obi. My middle name alone is one of the most popular baby names of the past two decades. In 1992 it was ranked at #142, by 1993 it was #96 and then in 1994 it was at #82. I know the Savannahs, all who are close to my age. I'm glad I didn't choose to go by my middle name, I wouldn't be unique. Which is the one thing I pride myself on, having a unique name. I mean my last name is Obi, like Obi-Wan Kenobi. Stars Wars is one of the greatest Sci-Fi series ever, and it is a cult classic. I get the joy of saying "My last name is Obi, like Star Wars." People respond well to that.

My first name is Elaine, and it wasn't until I was 11 or 12 that I actually started responding to that. I had been Laney practically since I was born. My mom choose Laney(even though I don't have a Y anywhere in my name, so why I'm not Lanie or Lainie I'll never know) because she didn't want me to be called Ellie. So since then I've been Laney. During my early school years a few people called me Elaine, and I honestly didn't realize that was my name. Honestly a 6 year old barely hears when you call them, so try calling them by a name they don't go by, the results show you'll never get their attention.

My mom explained to my first grade teacher that I wasn't ignoring her, I just didn't recognize that when she called Elaine she was referring to me. My first grade teacher and my P.E. teacher were the only ones to call me Elaine. I noticed as I got older that all P.E. teachers or coaches call me Elaine. Who knows why, but it's a random fact.

Whenever I introduced myself to anyone I was Laney, at least until about two or three years ago. When I started figure skating my mom had this sudden idea that she should fill out all my forms with my proper name and not the name I actually went by. That started the beginning of my identity crisis. *cues dramatic music*

Okay, it's not that dramatic, but still. At the rink I'm Elaine, and that's where it started. My close friends called me Laney, but some of the parents or other skaters called me Elaine. Talk about confusing. Am I Laney or Elaine?

Since I was Elaine at the rink it was too late to change to Laney, by then all the coaches knew me as Elaine, and so that's what everyone called me. I have a funny story regarding my names and the rink. One year, I think it was 2009, we had a program practice at the rink before a big competition. My mom had just explained to Ms. Stacey a few days earlier that most people called me Laney, not Elaine and she was one of the few who called me Elaine. Anyways I was waiting to do my program and I thought I had enough time to run and grab something, well Ms. Stacey was calling the skaters and she called "Laney". I didn't here my name until she said "Elaine!" and I realize "Oh, crap, she means me!". Embarrassing, but funny. Okay well maybe you didn't laugh, but whatever.

I started my job in the rink in August of 2009. I'm Elaine there, to everyone, not Laney. Lauren works at the rink with me now and she calls me Laney. People get confused because nobody calls me Laney except her, so they have no idea who she's talking about.

I didn't take easily to the name Elaine. Honestly I hated it. It wasn't my name. It was the name on my birth certificate. That was it. I did go through this random phase(It lasted for a week. I was 15, so it was a dark period in my life) where I was Elaine. Elaine was in nice terms a really witch. I used the name Elaine to be someone else, someone who didn't care and didn't feel. Like I said it lasted for a week. Then I was back to Laney. But Wes decided he preferred calling me Elaine, even though I absoultely hated being called that. It became our routine, which sounds like an Abbott and Costello skit.

"Hey Elaine."

"Don't call me Elaine."

"Why not Elaine?"

"You know why not. I hate being called Elaine."

"I know, that's why I do it."

"Well stop!"

It really went on like this for almost a year, until finally I gave up and let him call me Elaine. Only one of my close friends who gets away with it. Then again he said Laney sounds like a name for a dog(I ignored that comment, though had he been here I would've decked him for it) or a name for a little kid. That made me think. Laney is more of a little girl name, but that's my thing. I'd rather act like a little kid and love Winnie the Pooh, Scooby Doo, Disney Channel and Nick, than act grown up. I mean I still act my age, but I hold onto my childhood. Actually I really act more like a 10 year old now that I did at 10.

But here's where I've run into my identity crisis. I used to be uncomfortable being Elaine, now it's almost normal to be Elaine. I'm not two separate people either; Laney isn't a little girl and Elaine isn't a grown up. I don't have to act one way when I'm using my names, I'm still the same person. True, when I'm Elaine I'm usually at work so I'm more focused and grown up and when I'm Laney I'm usually at home or with my friends so acting like a little kid or being crazy is fine. I guess it's situational or environmental. Like the new psychology terms I've learned this week?

I started college this week and my ENG 101 teacher called role and asked if we preferred to go by another name just say so when she called out names. I didn't tell her to call me Laney instead of Elaine. I had the chance, but I didn't do it. That was almost a wakeup call to me. My mom says that Laney was meant for family and friends anyways, and I guess she's right. But when I think about it, only a few people call me Laney anymore.

A part of me is scared to lose my name. It's like I'll get older and enter the workforce either as a teacher, lawyer or writer or something. But whatever I choose I'll be Elaine, not Laney. Elaine is grown up, classy, smart. Laney is innocent, playful and childish. I guess I'm worried that I'll grown up and lose a small part of me. I know that I'll always have people call me Laney, but still the number of people grows smaller and smaller as I get older. Who am I gonna me to my kids friends? Ms. Laney or Ms. Elaine? Am I gonna be Aunt Elaine or Aunt Laney. What about Grandma Elaine or Grandma Laney(I might be Lala, lol my Gaga's name was Gail, so she was Gaga to me). Still it makes you think about how much your name shapes you, and your future.

I'm probably the only person who analyzes a name. But then again I love names, I always have. I own six different baby name books(oh the awkwardness of trying to buy a baby name book or check one out from the library. You get really weird looks. Especially when you're a teenager. But anyways, it's time to end this post. After I've reached 1500 words it's time to call it a day.

Who Am I Going To Be?

I started college this year, and I'm a year early. I'm still doing high school class, so I guess technically I'm not a true college student, but whatever. I get up early, sit through lectures, walk across campus and get lost like everyone else. For a while I've been pondering what I want to do with my life. Such an easy question, right? No. Most definitely not.

For me the problem is my need to be good at many things. I've always thought of myself as a chameleon. I change with my surroundings. Through this ability I've always been able to make friends with pretty much anybody, or at least hold a decent conversation. It's a true gift, but it's also turning out to be a curse. My main loves in life are writing, history, law, and talking. I like to be the boss and be in charge, but I also like to work on my own. I can talk for days and days on things I love, but I also love to write.

I've narrowed my career choices down to these few things(not a small list)

1. Lawyer or Paralegal
2. Writer (Screenwriter, Author, Journalist)
3. Reporter (Television or Print)
4. Producer
5. Teacher (Elementary)
6. Public Relations

All of these focus on writing, law or talking in some way. Yet, I can't decide which one to focus on. I know I would be good at any of these and enjoy them, but I don't know which one is where I fit in the best. That's hindering my figuring out my college major. I don't have to declare a major until June when I graduate high school, but I don't see me being really any closer to a decision in June. I guess I'm waiting for God to put a big sign that says in flashing neon lights "THIS IS YOUR PATH! FOLLOW IT!".

I'm pretty sure God doesn't send out those kind of messages, though if he did life would be so much easier. So for now I'm still trying to decide where I fit in. I really ought to Google my perfect career, it couldn't hurt. Or maybe I'll put out a want ad for my perfect career. It'd look something like this...

Seeking Career

Must have these qualities in some form

1. Socialization on a regular basis.
2. Writing of documents of an important nature
3. Serves a purpose, or changes the community and/or world
4. Leadership roles and team abilities
5. Something to be passionate about
6. Pays well
   
   

It might be awhile before I figure out what my perfect job is, and I might be one of those people who goes through many types of jobs in search for my niche, and I'm okay with that. Hell, I'd be a Writer/Lawyer/Teacher/President of the United States (I will be President. Look for me to be running sometime after 2030).

Well, while I continue to ponder who I am, I hope all of your have either found yourselves or are close.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Beauty is Brains, Sexy is Personality, and Gorgeous is Confidence. Life is about being more than just another pretty face.

"Confidence is what makes a girl sexy."

Is this true? Are we truly sexy and beautiful when we are more confident? Psychologically, yes. If you feel confident, then you act confident, which in turn means that you feel better about yourself, which comes off as beauty and sexiness to others. Even if your just in sweats and your hair in a ponytail, the guy at the coffee shop will still flirt with you cause you put off a good vibe.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

Don't think someone is blind if they tell you that you look beautiful, even when you look your worst. While one person may find something ugly, another can find it the most breathtaking thing in the world. It's like how one mans trash is anothers treasure. Beauty depends on the person, that's why people are different and like different things, so of course beauty cannot be defined by one person's standards.

"Beauty only gets attention, personality captures the heart."

Many guys say they notice a girl because she is pretty or something about her looks stands out. But just as often they say that a pretty girl isn't worth it if she's as dull as a brick. The girls who perfect hair, teeth and nails and gorgeous clothes and figures may be the ones who make their jaws drop, but if she has nothing else to offer but looks, then will it truly last? More than likely, no. There has to be a person behind those looks, a person with thoughts, ideals and beliefs. Are you really a person if you seem to have no mind or thoughts?

"The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think."

This is the one reason so many girls go to so much trouble worrying about their hair, nails, clothes, makeup and etc. Guys only see their outside appearances, and they have to draw them in to see their brains and personality. If they don't look their best then no one will ever truly see them or want to see them. Sadly, most of the time this is true. People and society have made it so appearance tends to be everything. Looking good is one thing, but when you do it for everyone else and not yourself, you lose the joy from looking and feeling good.

"Beauty is Brains, Sexy is Personality, and Gorgeous is Confidence. Life is about being more than just another pretty face."

I struggle everyday to feel good about my appearance. All of us do at some point. But it always helps to have people who remind you are beautiful for who you are. It doesn't matter if your hair is a little frizzy, your teeth not so straight, your nose too big or anything else. Just knowing that to a couple people you are beautiful is nice.

But what's really nice is when one morning you just wake up...and you feel beautiful. You put on a pair of jeans that you never where because they are a bit tight and you worry they look bad, when they actually look pretty good, and pick out a t-shirt and don't think twice about it. You do your makeup and try something out you usually wouldn't. You do your hair a little different and find you like it.
That is when you are truly beautiful. It's not what you where, or how you look. It's how you act. People may think you are beautiful, but it won't mean anything until you realize it yourself.  Remember being and looking different is what makes you into you. No one will ever look or act you, so don't try to look like someone else, because that is denying the world the wonderful person you have within.

So be beautiful because that is something we all have to offer ♥

The End...Two Of The Most Dreaded Words

“All good things must come to an end.”

Stories use to begin with "Once upon a time..." or "Long ago, in a faraway land...". Now although the beginnings have changed, one thing remains the same, the stories end with "The End...". Maybe you don't see those words written on the page anymore or at the end of the movie before the credits start to roll, but you don't need to. You know without a doubt that it is the end. You can hope that the story will continue in a series and you can continue to enjoy the tales about characters you love so dearly. But then even that must come to an end.

I am one of those people who absolutely dread endings. Most people can't wait to get to the end and find out how things turned out, but for me it's different. Yes, I want to know how things turn out, but still I have this feeling of dread inside of me as I draw nearer the ending. It's like when my favorite TV shows get to the finale. I'm not talking about those season finales that leave cliffhangers that make you yell at the TV, "What happened?", I'm talking about those series finales, the ones that make you sad as you turn the TV off after it's over, but you still sit there and stare off into space wondering what new show will fill that space you had devoted for so long to the other show.

I have experienced this feeling many times. In August I finally finished M*A*S*H. Since July, I had been watching M*A*S*H pretty much every day, hours upon hours of episodes. From Season 1 through Season 11. As I watched the Season 11 episodes I started to get that feeling of dread inside, because I knew that the final episode was drawing nearer. When I finally got to it I cried during pretty much the whole two hours. I love M*A*S*H, and it felt like a part of me was ending.

I get this same feeling with many of my favorite shows and my favorite books. I remember when Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out. I stood in line to get my book at 12am, and I read until 4am, and I was up to chapter 12. I spent the next day reading at a friend’s birthday party. My book still has a grease stain from the pizza on the front cover. I even read at the bowling alley. Every time it was my turn I'd save my spot, take my turn and hurry back to keep reading. I remember lying in bed that night struggling through the last chapters. I had to know how it would end, but at the same time I was sad to see it end. I literally started crying in the last couple chapters and said if Harry died I would never read another book, thankfully I still read today.

Even though I know things must end, I still don't like it. Last night was the final episode of Hannah Montana. I managed not to cry until the last five minutes, but when I finally did I realized something. The end of Hannah Montana was the end of part of my childhood. I remember when Hannah Montana came out four years ago. It was an instant hit, and I loved it. My best friend Haley gave me the Hannah Montana cd for my 13th birthday, and that cd was played constantly for months. We had the words memorized within a few hours.

One of my favorite memories is of Haley, Lauren and me at a sleepover. We played the Hannah Montana music videos and danced around singing the lyrics. It was great. I remember going to see the Hannah Montana Best of Both Worlds Concert movie with my friend Lauren. I just about died because it was just like being at the hottest concert of the year! Then my parents took me to see the Hannah Montana Movie when it came out and I loved the music and fell in love with the leading man (he was cute!). Hannah Montana was a big thing in my life.

So last night when it hit me that Hannah Montana was over I went back to my room and stared at my walls. I have 58 posters on my walls, and most of them are Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus posters. If you look you can see how I have slowly gotten older. As you turn around the room the walls slowly goes from Disney starlets to Disney TV shows and movies, to boy bands and cute guys and grows into the teenage hit Twilight. It shows the slow progression over the last four years. I wanted so badly to grow up, but now at almost 17, I am not ready to grow up and give up my childish ways.

I want to sit on the couch on Sunday night and watch Disney Channel and laugh my head off at silly jokes. I want to watch the reruns that never get old even though I've seen it so many times I can quote it. I want to dance around my room all night to Hannah Montana, High School Musical and the Jonas Brothers.

But eventually I'm gonna have to say goodbye to all of that. Every once in awhile I can listen to my old Disney playlist, or flip the Disney Channel on and catch a show or two. But in the end, it just isn't the same. So tonight I'll slowly take down my old Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus posters, and replace them with Taylor Swift posters and lyrics from my favorite songs. Maybe I'll leave one or two posters up because I don't really want to grow up. But that's just holding off the inevitable. One day I will grow up.

That'll be the day I look around my room again and wonder where all the time went. I'll remember all those memories, but then they will still just be memories. And I'll be all grown up. Maybe I'll think Hannah Montana and the Disney Channel are just stupid. But deep down those little things will still mean the most to me.

But now it is time to write "The End" and slowly close the book. I can feel that longing for the story to continue, for it to never end. Winnie the Pooh said at the end of the movie "Oh, no, can't we go back to page one and do it all over again?". I'm with him. Let's do it all over again. But life doesn't work that way. It might be nice if it did or then again, it might not be. Now that I think about it, maybe this isn't the end of the book. Just the end of the chapter. I'll turn the page and start a whole new chapter, with more adventures and fun. So in a way while on chapter ends, another is beginning, so the story isn't completely over. But sometimes in life it doesn't feel that way.

"Every ending is a new beginning"

Goodbye to Summer

Today is August 15. Also known as the last Sunday of summer. I go back to school on Wednesday. Summer 2010 will be deeply missed. Here's a recap of my summer.

End of May 

• I got my hair dyed red. Well it looked kind of purple in some lights, but it was red.
• I finished my sophomore year of high school.

June

• I read the entire Pretty Little Liars series in a week. Great books, I'd love to read them all again.
• I competed in Jacksonville, FL. Got a 2nd and 3rd place.
• I got into a major fight with a friend. We are no longer friends.
• One of my best guy friends became my first boy friend.
• I stopped talking to my dad.
• I had two sleepovers with my two bestest friends.
• We went to see Eclipse on opening night. 12:01 am, baby!!

July

• Posted my newest novel Southern Charm on Inkpop at 2:53 am on July 1st!
• By July 3rd, my story was ranked at 261!
• Spent the 4th of July with my two best friends.
• Started talking to my dad again.
• Went to my best friend's surprise Sweet 16th at the beach house her parents got for the week!
• Spent the night at the beach house with my two best friends.
• Finished 11 chapters of my book

August

• Competed again. Got two 3rd places.
• Had a sleepover with my best friends.
• Prepared for the start of my Junior Year.
• Picked my Top 3 colleges.

This all brings us back to now. The sad end of summer. But with the end of summer comes the start of fall. In the midst of fall is my birthday! I'll be 17 this year, and I can't wait! My goal with the end of summer is to start keeping my blog updated. We'll see how I do. I'm off to do some more writing.

Until next time,

~Laney~

Publishing Dreams "Update"

I finally heard back about my story. I heard back on the 23rd of September...so its officially one month. I guess it’s a good sign that I've had no time to blog about it. Maybe that shows I have some sort of life(different topic, so I'm getting off track here.). Anyways, so I heard back.

Sadly it was another rejection, I did better this time, about twenty minutes of crying and then I made up my mind to keep trying, and I put the rejection out of my mind and went to church. Church helped me a lot, because I had to get out and be social and happy, and I can always fake a smile in a big group. It's a talent, though when you're as hyper as I am around people, it really isn't difficult. But anyways...now what to do?
Well that's easy, keep writing. I have a ton of editing to do on my first book, and I'm in the middle of my second one and onto the outlining stage of the next four books. So I'm not without work to do. But I've recently been thinking about what kind of books I want to write, I know I can write romance, anyone who has the smallest depth of emotion can write a romance, it might not be particularly good, but that doesn't mean they didn't write it.

Then this thought came to me, do I want to always write romances? The answer to that...well I love my romances, but I think I'd like to try other genres. I've written a mystery(a rather pitiful little story in my opinion), and I'm on my romance kick. I've got many different story plots, but most are for romances. I do have a fantasy idea that I'm trying to work on. Well actually I have two fantasy ideas, which isn't bad.
Now comes the tough choice. When I finish my second romance, do I take a break from romances and work on fantasy or do I do both at once. I'm not sure yet, I guess when I get there I'll figure it out. With my new mind set and deadline, I need to get to work.

Until then, thanks for reading Laney's Thoughts...
~Laney~