Reflections ~ End of Summer

As of today my countdown says I have 22 days left until school starts on August 20th, 328 days until my 3 year anniversary, 116 days until Thanksgiving, and 103 days until Zach's birthday. That's a lot of days and numbers, but those are important dates for me. But as I sit here planning for each of those days I think back to a few months ago when the countdowns reflected the days until I would finally see Zach after being apart over 6 months, the day I would graduate from high school and Zach's and my 2 year anniversary. Those have all passed and now I've moved on, but still part of me wishes I could go back and relive this summer.

I want to go back to pacing around the house while I constantly checked the time and waited for Zach and Mike to arrive. I want to go back to arriving at the hotel after 8pm, tired and stressed but loving the feeling of being the center of attention. I want to go back to running around a fancy hotel in my pajamas with Kyle and Zach. I want to stand on that stage again and say everything all over again, even though I felt like I was going to pass out from the pressure I put on myself. I want to go back to that morning in the hotel when I woke up and knew that Zach was right there and he was going to see me accomplish something special.

But I can only go back in my memories. I tend to spend a lot of time in those memories, because to be honest life is just a constant mess of drama, heartache and work. Then when school starts it will be all of that plus books, studying, tests and annoying facts I don't want or need to know. That's life and for those moments when life becomes unbearably dull I can go back to those memories. I know I can't spend forever in my memories, but I can't spend forever in the future. It's hard to live somewhere in the past and somewhere in the future but nowhere in the present.

"The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present." ~ Alice Morse Earle

For me it's hard to figure out how to stay in the present and not the past or future. Life seems better in hindsight and much nicer in the future. Can't the present be just as nice? Isn't living in the moment supposed to be amazing and freeing? That's what I plan to figure out. This year will be different. Life has had many ups and downs, along with a large amount of change just in the past three years, but I'm better for all of that. Well, actually I'm worse in many areas for most of it, but I'm going to move past that and become better.

The big question is always "Would you change anything if you could go back in time?", and I think about it hard. Would I? I want to say yes. I want to leave instead of being left. I want to prove I'm not someone who can be walked all over. I want to change many things and not trust anyone who ended up hurting me. But those who left I didn't need in my life. I may have been walked over, but I still kept my cool and didn't go for revenge. I trusted and it was betrayed, but I'm more careful with who I give my trust to now.

Still I may not be the same me I was, but somewhere I'm still in there. Scooby Doo stills makes me laugh. Princesses makes me want to believe in fairy tales. I still talk too much and get too loud. I'm always going to complain about all the work I have but the outcome is still pretty good.

So would I change anything? Yeah, I'd try to handle things better and remember that what I thought yesterday was going to the end of the world wasn't even close. And things always get better, no matter how bad they seem. Most of all, enjoy the small moments, like getting caught in the rain and being soaked, taking walks with nowhere to go, watching the stupidest movies and still laughing.

I leave y'all with my one of my favorite quotes. Enjoy :)

"Move on. It is just a chapter in the past, but don't close the book- just turn the page." ~ Unknown